Memories

 I’ve been having a really wonky day. Part of it is that my brain keeps wandering and having these random memories. You know how in TV shows in the 80’s and 90’s they’d have some sort of episode where a person is just remembering moments from past episodes? (But it’s supposed to be them remembering  their lives, obviously.) My brain has been like that today. 

In one “episode” I’m sitting in the basement stairs, crying, holding a broken smoke detector in my hands. I was afraid of being in the basement alone, because it felt dark and creepy to me… it was only partially furnished, and I was sure there were ghosts down there. My mom was angry wih me about something. She took the smoke detector apart and demanded that I sit there until I’d figured out how to put it back together. 

This was supposed to be teaching me problem solving skills, she told me. I didn’t really have problem solving skills. Maybe she’d read in a magazine that it was a good idea to have a kid put an appliance together to practice problem solving skills or as a brain exercise or something. But I never did figure out how to put it together. I was too scared and frustrated. I don’t remember what happened after that. 

I’ve been told throughout my life that people are allowed to hurt me if they love me. People who claim to love you can get away with so many things. “She just says that because she loves you,” or “she doesn’t mean it… she loves you.” Someone can treat you any sort of way they want, as long as they claim that they love you.

Living here, and knowing Chuck and Maggie and Jae and the others, has started to show me that people can love you without hurting you. That there can be people who are kind to you all the time, even when they’re tired or sick or bored or frustrated.

Nights like this are lonely. It’s hard for me to be alone.