I’m Riding the Struggle Bus

If you’re wondering why You haven’t heard from me for a while, it’s because my life seems to be imploding lately, so I haven’t had a lot of time or motivation to do calm and quiet activities such as blogging. When I do have time and motivation, I usually end up painting rock. 

I can’t talk a lot about what’s been going on because a lot of it involves other people and their personal business. Lets just say one of my closest friends has been going through a hard time and caused a lot of chaos. Although he didn’t actually break any laws or hurt anyone, especially intentionally, he did manage to make a few people very mad. One of the angry people has no connection to my friend, only to me, and so it was me who suffered the consequences of, and was held responsible for, my friend’s actions.

Meanwhile I’ve also been trying to help him put his life back together, and I’ve been trying to hold everything together within the little chosen family I’ve made for myself here. I’ve been trying very hard to  do damage control and harm reduction for my friend, because I love him very much. Since I’ve known him, he’s always been my protector. He’s always been one of the only people who really understood me, one of the only people who could calm me down when I was upset or ease my anxiety. He’s one of the only people who has never (until recently) done anything that could hurt me. 

When I first met him, he told me that there was nothing I could do that would make him want to stop being friends with me, and that he’d be around as long as I wanted him to be. For me, with my anxiety and PTSD and abandonment issues (yeah I have all those, on top of being autistic) hearing that meant everything. 

So I’ve been trying to keep everything together. And it’s been hard. My anxiety has been at its worst. The two people I’ve come to depend on for stability have been unstable and at odds with each other. I’ve not been doing well. My amygdala has been flapping for two weeks.

By the way, I made the photo with an AI image generator, using the prompt, “young woman on a struggle bus.” I am not sure what is going on there, but it was the best one I could come up with. 

I am ending this now so I can sleep,