Work Sucks, I know

Work sucked this morning because the little kids were banshees. I really like little kids but I do not like being in charge of them. I think that’s what gives me so much anxiety at work. Half of my job is basically to make sure that they are doing certain things they don’t want to do, or not doing certain things they do want to do, and even though I don’t personally mind if they do or don’t do those things, my job is to make them, and if they act like banshees and don’t listen, that means I suck st my job. And then I get anxious because I know that the lead teachers are looking at me like, “Why does Angel suck so bad at this, how did she even get this job?” I’m good at talking to kids, I’m good at comforting them, I’m somewhat good at playing with them as long as we don’t have to play pretend games which I haaaaaaaate… or tag, I also hate tag. Hide and seek is good. Not tag. Don’t make me run.

But anyways I’m good with kids, in all these ways,  but I am not great at making them listen when they don’t want to. And by the way, they almost always don’t want to!

It’s weird because the only reason I work with kids now is because when I was a teenager being forced to get a job even though my anxiety was through the ceiling, I thought, “I could work with kids! Kids aren’t scary!” But kids have parents and other teachers, adults, and those people are scary. But really it was all I could do, all I knew how to do. It was the lesser of fifty million evils. And still basically it’s all I know how to do. I’ve just never done anything else but watch kids. 

If I get social security soon, then I could just not work, and maybe I could volunteer instead. That would be cool cause I’d still get to work with kids, but the stakes won’t be so high that I’ll be terrified all the time.

Being terrified is tiring. 

Chuck got me from work today cause my stupid car is still broken, except now something else on it is broken, Chuck already fixed the one thing but now it’s he other thing. Then Dana made creamed eggs on toast and hash browns for lunch. Then I fell asleep sitting up on the couch because I was so tiiiiiiiiiired. I was so tired. I didn’t even try to fall asleep. I was sitting there and suddenly I could hear them talking but I couldn’t concentrate enough to say any words, and I was like, “hmm, I guess I’m sleeping,” and that was it. When I woke up Dana was already gone!

We went to the garden and I painted rocks, then we got Pizza Hut for dinner because now that Dana is gone we are all done eating healthy stuff for a few days, then Jae came over to play pool except someone else was already playing, so we just wandered around for a while, until it was time for me to take my meds, then it was time for me to go home, and here I am. At home.

I don’t want to go to sleep, because as soon as I open my eyes it will be time to go to work again. This morning I didn’t even remember to eat or take my meds. I don’t want to go. I’d give fifty million dollars not to go. I really really really really really don’t want to go. Anxiety is reaching alarming levels. But I don’t have a choice at all.