People Confuse Me

 I’ve always had trouble knowing who to trust in life. It’s been a giant, lifelong thing of mine.

On one hand I want to believe that people are good. I want to believe that even when people do bad things, they’re just misunderstood, or they have a good reason. Once when I was a kid, my mom told me I had the ability to see straight into someone’s heart. (I then repeated this to my school psychologist, who thought it was a sign of me being completely insane, and now it’s in my psychological report forever, but that’s another story.) I can see the good in anyone.Even when they did something bad, I still see the good in them… because I want to. 

But also, I’ve been hurt a bunch of times because of this, physically and emotionally. The problem is, just because someone has some good in their heart, that doesn’t mean they don’t have a bad side too. I will keep loving someone (not in a romantic way…I’m ace, remember? But in a family sort of way.) I will keep loving them even while they’re lying to me, even when they’re stealing from me, even when they’re  hitting me, even when they’re doing whatever. 

Even when I eventually get physically far away from them, to keep myself safe, I still keep on loving them. 

I used to think everyone was like this.

I’m a sucker for kindness. Sit and talk with me, make me laugh, and you’ll have my undying loyalty even after you’re sick of me.

But sometimes people will be kind to you because they want something from you. They want your money, they want a place to stay, they want you to watch their kids. In my case, also, they sometimes want the attention they get from others when they’re with me. A person can suddenly get a lot of attention when they tell people they’re in charge of their autistic sister. 

Once they don’t need you anymore, though, or once what they’re getting from you is t worth as much to them, the kindness fades away. 

After a while, I found it easier to just stop trying to have friends. 

When I moved here, I let my guard down, and I got burned a few times. But I also became family with some amazing people that helped heal my heart a little bit.

So when someone does something that hurts me and the people I love… it breaks my heart all over again.

Someone has been doing something that is just unkind, and without reason. When we found out who it was, we tried really hard not to believe it was them. We just blatantly denied it. Until we had undeniable evidence. And even then, we tried to make excuses… they didn’t know it was wrong, maybe they’re old and confused. But then they just kept on doing it.

Someone we thought was our friend.

I don’t understand, and it’s making me tired.