The Swing

 I’ve been having a lot of meltdowns lately and they’re not super fun. My anxiety is just generally high these days because of my finances and the shit show involving my car (Did I ever tell you guys about that?) So lately, small triggers can make me flip out. 

I don’t like having meltdowns because, first of all, they mean I’m already feeling very awful inside. Second, I sometimes hurt myself or break an object. (I’ve never ever ever ever ever hurt another person or an animal. But when I’m upset enough to want to destroy my own self, I sometimes scratch my skin, punch myself in the head, pull my own hair, etc.)

For a long time I’ve been wanting to have a swing, because swinging and rocking are two things that always calm me down, and swinging is best because it’s more extreme. (Rollercoasters also calm me down, but I think the chances of the apartment manager letting me have a rollercoaster are slim. They won’t even let me have a goat!) 

So about a week ago, Jae and Chuck started talking about making one. Jae is the mastermind, and he came up with several ideas for swings, but it was a little bit of a struggle. I had a sensory swing but I lost the part you sit in, so you sank to the bottom and got stuck inside the swing, which Jae’s girlfriend Maggie said felt like being in the womb, and she called it the “womb swing” from then on.

I really liked the log swing. Which was just a rope hanging from a very tall tree, with two loops at the end. You slide a log through the loops, and then you could sit on the log with your legs straddling the rope, hang onto the rope, and swing. That one was cool, but it was a little low, so your butt dragged on the ground occasionally.

Jae had an old toilet seat, which we tried using to stabilize the womb swing. It worked okay, but still was too low… the edge of the swing cut off the circulation to your legs. So finally Jae came up with an improvement on the log swing. 

Here it is! 

Now, when I’m feeling close to a meltdown, I can go outside and swing! 

Maggie and Dana both said I shouldn’t go back there and swing unless someone is with me. (Dana is afraid someone will kidnap me or rape me. Maggie is afraid I’ll fall on my head and die.) Buuuuut someone isn’t always around to go out there with me when I’m about to freak out. And it’s in a pretty public place. It’s partly hidden but it’s not in a secluded forest or anything. Jae’s apartment is less than half a mile away from it. 

So I think a good compromise is if I just let someone know when I’m gonna swing, and this way if they don’t hear from me again they can investigate. 

I’m really glad I have something that can help me avoid meltdowns. It won’t always be able to work… if it’s night time or bad weather or if I’m not at home… but at least it will be able to help me some of the time!

And also it’s fun. 

Anyways, I’ll write again soon! It’s nice to be blogging again! 

Also, if you have Tiktok, come find me there @angelnickirocks!