Meltdown For Stupid Reasons

This past week I skipped my morning meds a few times. The reason was pretty simple… I don’t have to work this week, so I slept late, and my routine was off. 

I didn’t feel any bad side effects, but on Wednesday I had an epic meltdown for a really stupid reason. Chuck texted me and asked if I wanted to go with him to the car wash (which I like because it has cool lights, but I don’t like to go by myself in my own car because I’m too nervous to drive through it.) 

I have a new phone, and either it didn’t alert me or I didn’t hear it, so by the time I saw the message it was 10 minutes later. I went downstairs, but Chuck had already left.

I don’t know why it was so upsetting to me, but when I got back to my apartment I had a full blown meltdown that included screaming into my pillow and alarming my cat

I don’t know why. It’s not like he went to Disney World without me. On a normal day it would have been more like, “Aww,  bummer,” but not the end of the world.

I went outside to the garden and laid down on the bench for a while, and being out in the sun and feeling the gentle breeze helped me calm down. Then I saw one of my best friends (who happens to be a large dog) and I laid down next to him in the grass, and he put his dog arm around me and helped me calm down.

Sometimes all you need is a dog to put his arm around you. 

After that I felt a lot better, and I colored at the table in the garden until Chuck came back, and the rest of the day was actually a great day. We went to Dennys and Target and I got a new Squishmallow and a new coloring book with my gift card.

It’s hard to remember to take my meds every morning.

It’s hard when skipping them has dire effects.

And even with my meds, depending on the day, I could have had a meltdown anyways.

People tend to get irritated with me when I have meltdowns. People think I’m just being dramatic and trying to get attention.

But for every meltdown I have, there are 50 I manage to suppress. Behind those meltdowns are really strong and painful emotions. They hurt. Physical pain. 

When someone goes to the car wash without you, do you scream into a pillow and punch yourself in the head? Probably not. It’s not fun to feel that much agony over something small. That’s autism. And sometimes it just sucks.