Why Angel Is Flipping Out Tonight

 I’m flipping out tonight because I’m not sure how I’m going to survive the rest of my life. Financially, my life just isn’t working.

I have a job but I only work 3 1/2 hours a day..l but even that job makes me unbearably anxious! I wake up each day with a panic attack, and dread in my stomach. It’s a nice job… I get to be outdoors and work with kids. But it is also a job where I have to be around people all day, I have to remain focused all day, and I feel like I’m ALWAYS getting reprimanded for something. There is no way to do the right thing even 50% of the time because, when you work with kids, you’re not really supposed to be doing what you think is the best thing. You’re supposed to do what your supervisors think is the best thing. And it’s usually something very specific for every conceivable situation. And every single place you work, even different classrooms in the same school, have different expectations, and they might give you an overview of the expectations, but you have to know how to apply it seamlessly to every conceivable situation… and I suck at that. And every single move I make that wasn’t directly instructed by a supervisor, I’ll have to have it reviewed later, like, “when Timmy was doing this, you should have said and done this.” 

The main point of that whole paragraph is to say, I’m anxious every single day at work. I can’t imagine having to go to another job after that. When I worked full time, I was anxious so much, I probably missed at least one day of work a month just because of anxiety.

Maybe I just shouldn’t work with kids. I love kids. I do not love the other adults who work with kids. But I’ve never done any other job. I started working with kids when I was 18 because I had babysat before and I was good with kids and this was something I could handle more easily than my previous jobs in stores and restaurants that made me even more anxious. 

Anyways… I used to door dash, but I got lost allll the time and I get confused easily and flustered, and my orders were never on time so my score went down and I didn’t make much. Now Chuck helps me Door Dash (he drives, I dash) and we split the money, and I make a lot more than I used to.But still. 

 At my part time job, I take home about $1000 per month. My rent is $1000 per month. My expenses besides rent are about $400 a month (nothing fancy, just basic internet and cable, cat food, car insurance, rent insurance, gas, etc.)

I’m sliding down a dark hole and nothing can help me.

Jae thinks I should get paid for painting rocks. But here’s the thing I don’t think he understands..l although everyone loves my rocks when they’re free, only a handful donate money for them, and I highly doubt anyone would ever buy them. They’re fun, but only when they’re free. If they’re in a store, they’d have to compete with so many other things that people would probably rather spend their money on.

My parents want me to get another job, like a second job (or third if you include Door Dash.) With the anxiety that comes with working, I feel like going from one job to another each day would end me. Maybe once a week, I could do it. Maybe. But every single job I can think of is really just a daily opportunity to screw up and get reprimanded because I suck at everything. My brain doesn’t work like it should. And that’s cool with everyone who is friends with me, but people who pay you want you to be good at stuff.

I can’t survive. My world is not sustainable. But I don’t have another choice.

I’d love working in a library! I love books! And books are so easy to organize! And the rules and structure is just there! It’s not up for debate. You cannot debate the Dewey Decimal System. Nobody is going to tell you that the place where you decided to put the books was not the best place for them because these books need purple walls in order to stay calm and not hit people. I put the book where it goes according to the number, or the author if it’s fiction, and it’s simple and easy and definite and wonderful and lovely.

But the libraries around here never have openings.and do you know you need a masters degree to be a librarian? You do. But I’d be happy just shelving books. 

Okay that’s it… I’m blogging again! It’s nice to get my feelings out again. But I’m still not gonna survive.

I’m sorry if this post bummed anyone out! Here’s a Baby Smurf rock to cheer you up!